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002 - Fic: Kyle, You Have a Hot Ass (no pairing, for anonymous stays anonymous)

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Feb. 23rd, 2013 | 06:01 pm
posted by: _confunded_ in spprompts

TITLE: Kyle, You Have a Hot Ass
ARTIST/AUTHOR: _confunded_
PAIRING(S) AND/OR CHARACTER(S): ANY KYLE PAIRING YOU WANT; characters featured are Kyle and Bebe
SUMMARY: Kyle has no self esteem, Bebe is Bebe, and some asshole decides to anonymously brighten Kyle's day (and it better not be Cartman).

For Kyle, Valentine's Day meant three things: getting a heart shaped box of sugar free chocolate from his mother in the morning (and then subsequently giving them to Ike because chocolate wasn't really Kyle's thing), getting some stupid friendship gift from Stan on the way to school (despite telling him every year that it was still really gay and embarrassing even after labeling with the word 'friendship'), and feeling completely alone throughout the day while every girl at school walked around with giant teddy bears and flowers.

Not that Kyle wanted teddy bears or flowers. It would just be nice to get doted on by someone who wasn't directly related to him, or by his best friend (who gave better gifts to his girlfriend anyway).

This year was slightly different, though, because when Kyle got to school there was an envelope taped to his locker. Inside, there was what appeared to be, at first glance, a ransom note. Written in cut out block letters pasted onto a piece of paper was the sentence 'Kyle, you have a hot ass.' signed with a heart and 'anonymous'.

Kyle was glad no one was standing near enough to see this. If he thought Stan's gift was embarrassing, this was ten times worse.

Angrily shoving the note in his shoulder bag, he made a beeline for his first class and attempted to decide on who thought they were being funny. It might be Bebe, either taking pity on him or thinking her 'hot ass' joke was still clever. There was no way she failed to realize it was Valentine's day, and she was usually more sensitive than this. But at the same time, he wanted it to be her - it would save him the embarrassment of hoping it was something legitimate and ending up disappointed.

If it wasn't Bebe, it was probably Cartman, who probably thought it would be hilarious to ruin Kyle's Valentine's Day even more than it already would have been ruined just by virtue of being a holiday for couples, which he was not a part of and never had been. Cartman, of course, never got Valentine's gifts from anyone other than his mother, which was one of the reasons Kyle begged his own mom to stop doing shit like that. It was lame enough getting pity gifts from her, but being in the same situation as Cartman made it a hundred times worse. Anyway, to alleviate his own feelings of intense loneliness, Cartman probably distracted himself by trying to make sure Kyle felt worse than he did.

Yeah, it was probably Cartman. Well, fuck that. Whatever his plan was, it wasn't going to work. Kyle was too smart to fall for it. He wasn't going to walk around thinking he had some sort of secret admirer, only to have Cartman jump out of the bushes at the end of the day and tell him he'd been set up. Kyle was one step ahead of him - he knew no one in their right mind would look at him twice, and anyone who sent an anonymous letter with such a lewd introduction was not someone Kyle wanted to date, anyway.

The note sat in his bag for two periods, and he kept checking to make sure it was still there, because if it fell out or got stolen it would be the end of him. The last thing he needed was for any attention to be on his love life, or lack thereof. Especially if it involved his ass. Would people see the word ass and assume he was gay? The thought of that coming out made him shudder. Barely anyone knew, and he wanted it to stay that way.

By the time he got to Biology, he had decided to confront Bebe about it. With any luck, she'd admit to it and he could guilt trip her into apologizing. Then he could burn the damn thing.

"Sorry Kyle, it wasn't me," she said when he discreetly slid the note across the table to her. They were supposed to be working on a lab, so the people at the tables around them were occupied with that. Still, a couple heads turned when she laughed loudly, causing Kyle to turn red and rip it out of her hand. "Okay chill out, sorry. So what's the deal with it?"

"It was on my locker this morning," he grumbled, letting his head drop onto the table with an exasperated sigh.

She giggled again. "Someone has a secret admirer then."

"Or it's just some horrible joke."

"Maybe, but maybe not. People are allowed to like you, you know. And no one's mean enough to do something like this on Valentine's Day."

Kyle glared at the sizeable collection of little gifts Bebe had dumped onto the corner of their lab table. She always managed to get things from people on this particular holiday, sometimes 'anonymous' tokens from admirers with girlfriends, and sometimes gifts from a boyfriend if she had one at the time. There was also usually something from Kenny, who was on a neverending quest to impress her despite being unable to afford proper Valentine's Day gifts. Kyle resented Bebe's popularity. He would never be that sought after by men.

"Plenty of people are mean enough to do that. Most of the guys I know are assholes. Especially if someone," he lowered his voice, "found out about me."

"Kyle, I bet you a million dollars it was not a joke."

"It was probably Cartman."

"Probably, he is obsessed with you."

"No, I meant Cartman is an asshole who would do something that dickish. Not... whatever you're thinking."

Bebe rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I'm just saying, if it was him, which is possible, it probably wasn't entirely a joke. Mostly not a joke, I'd say."

"You're disgusting."

She just shrugged. "This isn't the first time I've brought this up, and your denial never ceases to amaze me."

"Denial is the only thing preventing me from throwing up all over you."


Kyle folded up the note and stuck it back in his bag. After ten minutes of actually doing the lab they were supposed to be working on, Bebe spoke up again, "My point before was that there is a strong possibility that someone might actually like you. I don't know why you're so set on it being a joke."

"Because it is a joke."

"It probably isn't, Kyle. You're nice and smart and cute, and you already know I agree with the opinion of your anonymous note-giver. And this school is big, odds are there are a few people who, you know, share your interests," she said, raising her eyebrows to make sure he understood her. He averted his gaze.

Even if there were any gay guys at Park County High, the last thing they probably wanted to do was come out. And even so, the chances of someone liking him and him liking them back were extremely slim. The only guys he seemed to feel any attraction toward were always the jocky, all-American types who were definitely straight. Bebe called it self-sabotage. Maybe she was right.

"Well, even if it's not a joke, anyone who thinks this is the way to get my attention is probably a douchebag anyway. I mean, they could have complimented my... I don't know, taste in books. Or something."

Bebe scoffed. "Please, don't tell me it didn't make you feel good at all."

"It didn't, because it's obviously fake. If it wasn't you taking pity on me, it was definitely Cartman being a jerk. And that definitely doesn't make me feel good."

"Don't think of it that way, then. Consider the possibility that someone is actually pining after you from afar," she said, leaning in close to whisper in his ear. "Maybe he thinks about your ass when he jacks off."

Kyle jerked away. "Bebe!"

"I'm just saying!"

"Well, don't."

"Whatever, you're all red now, so I'm obviously right. Deep down, you're flattered. You just don't want to let yourself entertain the fantasy of someone actually wanting you," she said in that matter-of-fact way in which Bebe always made observations about the people around her. "Which is so sad, Kyle. Really."

He shrugged, pretending to concentrate really hard on his work.

"Or maybe, because you have your heart set on one person in particular, you want it to be a joke so you don't have to be faced with the prospect of dating someone else."

"Don't start with that, please."

"I'm serious, though."

"I don't have my heart set. I know it will never happen."

"Well, what if it was him?" she said under her breath, leaning in again.

Kyle shot her a glare. "Don't say that. It definitely wasn't. He'd say something nicer," he mumbled, feeling his cheeks heat up even more. "And he's straight. With a girlfriend. Who, I remind you, is your best friend."

"Whatever, he's more into you than he has any right to be. It's always been creepy. She knows it too, that's why she hates you so much. And you know I don't approve of that relationship. She deserves better."

Kyle glared at her again.

"Not that he's bad, really. Just, girls want to be the center of someone's world. And she's not the center of his world. I really don't know why she keeps getting back with him."

Truthfully, Kyle liked when Bebe talked about Stan and Wendy. He liked hearing that Stan's life didn't revolve around her. Even more, he liked the implication that Stan's world revolved around him instead. It probably wasn't true, though. It just seemed that way to outsiders because their friendship was just unusually close. If they were girls, no one would question it, but because they were boys, they'd always been accused of being gay. And it didn't help that Kyle was gay and did love Stan in a more-than-platonic way. Not that anyone but Bebe knew that. And Kenny. And Ike, but Ike figured it out by snooping so he didn't count.

With a sigh, Kyle slumped over and propped his elbows on the table. "Thanks for trying to help, Bebe, but I really wish that note was just you being a dick."

"I know, honey," she said, feigning concern and patting him on the head.

For the rest of the day, Kyle went through the motions of school while mulling over the possibility of having an actual secret admirer. For Bebe's sake, really. And she was right, after a while he started to feel somewhat flattered. He definitely wasn't going to let himself think it was Stan, though. Definitely not. That would only end in pain. And he definitely wasn't going to consider the possibility of it being a legitimate note given to him by Cartman, because that would only end in nightmares.

But maybe it was someone like... Token. Or maybe it was Token. He wouldn't mind it being Token. He was pretty sure Token was still convinced he was gay from that whole ordeal in 4th grade, so maybe if Token was questioning his own sexuality, he felt most comfortable giving a note like that to Kyle. Maybe. Probably not. Token was pretty obviously straight.

It was rumored that one of the seniors on the hockey team was gay, and he wasn't terrible looking. He had the build to make up for what he lacked in intelligence, anyway. And he knew Kyle, too, sort of. When it came time to (reluctantly) take shop, they were in the same class, and that was only just last semester.

Regardless, he supposed nothing that horrible could come from thinking it might be real. He didn't have to tell anyone else about it, after all. He certainly wasn't going to strut around school announcing to everyone that he had a secret admirer, so even if it was a joke, the person in question wouldn't get the opportunity to laugh in his face about it.

And it was nice to get a compliment, even if it was for something stupid and objectifying. Kyle had never had an ounce of self esteem, so it did feel good, as long as it wasn't a joke.

The day ended when Kyle returned to his locker and found yet another note, taped to the metal along with a single red rose. Face burning, he ripped it off and shoved both items into his bag without any regard for the health of the flower. He'd rather the damn thing get crushed between his textbooks than suffer the embarrassment of riding on the bus carrying it like a giant fag.

When he got home, he rushed to his room and dumped his bag out onto his bed. The rose was understandably bent out of shape, but he was surprised to feel sort of glad that it was still salvageable. Maybe he'd even go as far as to get a cup of water to put it in. Maybe.

He sat down and unfolded the note, which had the same ransom note look to it. It read simply, "The rest of you is pretty hot too." and still lacked a name or identifying markers. He couldn't hold back a smile. It seemed like a lot of effort to put into a joke, so maybe it really truly wasn't one. Maybe someone really did like him, and it probably wasn't a girl... girls didn't give roses to guys, right? And fuck it, even if it was a girl, it was still flattering (and still better than it being a joke, or Cartman).

Maybe Valentine's Day wasn't so horrible after all. At least, not this one.

~The End~

Who sent the notes?? Perhaps it was Stan, or Cartman, or Kip Drordy, or... whoever. I really didn't have anyone in particular in mind, so I couldn't tell even if I wanted to, haha.

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Comments {6}


(no subject)

from: hey_feygele
date: Feb. 24th, 2013 08:43 pm (UTC)

This is so cute! Poor Kyle, guy can't take a compliment. I am forming my own theories about who is most likely to send Kyle a ransom-style valentine, but unfortunately I don't think he'd be too happy about anyone I'm coming up with, haha.

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(no subject)

from: _confunded_
date: Feb. 24th, 2013 10:05 pm (UTC)

I think Kyle would find something less than ideal about anyone, and that is what makes it funnier for me, haha. I like him uncomfortable and/or miserable, can't lie. The more horrifying the person, the better, really.

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(no subject)

from: brimbelle
date: Feb. 25th, 2013 01:06 pm (UTC)

Aw Kyle, he's so insecure that's cute. I can just picture how much he'd be horrified if he finally finds the note was from Cartman or worse.

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(no subject)

from: _confunded_
date: Feb. 25th, 2013 06:05 pm (UTC)

Horrified Kyle = the best Kyle. >:)

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(no subject)

from: formerdinosaur
date: Feb. 27th, 2013 04:08 pm (UTC)

I really enjoyed Bebe's analysis of Kyle's admirers, or at least of their obsessions with him, and Kyle's thoughts on the matter, and that fact that he struggles to take a compliment but finally does at the end. This was great - I think we share an interest in Cartman and Stan both having a special interest in Kyle (?) and this fic was right up my alley, down to the fact that Kyle never found out who wrote the note. :)

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(no subject)

from: _confunded_
date: Feb. 27th, 2013 06:37 pm (UTC)

Thank you so much! It means a lot just that you read it, let alone left a nice review, haha. So, thank you.
And yes, Cartman and Stan both having a thing for Kyle (while maybe not realizing it/acting on it in completely different ways) is my number one favorite thing to think/write/read about. And I also like Bebe as an insightful fag hag (who is also a badass), I think she'd help Kyle become better at evaluating himself and gain some confidence.

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